The Bowtruckle of Destiny
by kci47
Summary: Sirius Black makes a shocking discovery one afternoon in History of Magic. Written for the "Completely Odd" challenge on HPFC, which asked you to romantically pair two random characters. WARNING: This story is every bit as weird as it sounds!


**A/N: I don't usually put notes at the beginning of my stories, but in this particular instance, I think it's necessary. This one-shot was written for the Completely Odd romantic pairing challenge, and I pulled Sirius Black and Professor Binns. Not one to be intimidated, I set about trying to decide how on earth that might have happened. In the words of my beta...please "try to reserve judgment" until you've read it. I understand if you have to bail before the end, however!**

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><p>The afternoon was warm and sunny, the kind of day where the air inside the castle felt fuzzy and thick, like a quality pair of socks. Dust motes and the occasional doxy drifted by, too lazy to wreak much havoc on the quiet classroom where History of Magic was currently in session.<p>

Sirius Black's gaze was focused – or rather, unfocused – on the window nearest him. He had given up taking notes in Professor Binns' class years ago. His best friend, after all, was one of the most annoyingly studious wizards in their year, and Sirius knew that Remus would force him to study before the exams whether he'd taken notes or not.

Idly planning his actions immediately upon leaving their last class of the day (_should he run up to his room to change before heading to the Quidditch pitch, or get straight on his broom and sweat through his school clothes?_ he wondered), he was lost in the promise of a few good hours of flying when he realized that Professor Binns' voice was really very soothing.

The old man – er, ghost – continued to describe the dismal state of affairs for centaurs during the early 1300s and Sirius decided that Binns had a voice that was made to lecture. Wondering why he'd ever thought the professor _droned _was beyond him. He chalked it up to James' influence and returned to his musings on exactly how many minutes it would take him to reach the pitch from the castle once class was over.

Most of Sirius' classmates were asleep, he knew. Sirius, however, was cursed with the particular inability to hold still for very long, thus ensuring that he was unable to fall asleep in his classes. Instead, he used the time during History of Magic to plot out their next adventures. He could just hear Remus' chastising voice saying that _that _must be why all their pranks usually failed spectacularly. Sirius snorted softly and vowed to think of a joke to pull on Remus later.

It was several minutes before Sirius was drawn out of his daydreaming once more by the smoky tones of Professor Binns. Contemplating their transparent professor, Sirius decided his voice sounded like whiskey over sandpaper.

_Whiskey over sandpaper?_

Sirius shook himself. What on earth was he thinking? Maybe he _had _nodded off, after all. He never even spouted that kind of nonsense to the pretty girls he flirted with, and he had spouted quite a bit of romantic nonsense in his day, yes indeed.

Stretching his leg out to kick James' chair, Sirius was rewarded with a sharp stinging in his foot as well as a nasty glare from James, promising retribution. Smiling serenely, he turned his face resolutely to the window. James hated when his naps were disturbed, but at least the pain in his foot told Sirius that he himself was not currently asleep.

He reached up to swat at a hovering doxy, and nearly jumped out of his seat when he heard Professor Binns stop talking to address him directly.

"You had a question, Mr. Quack?" The ghostly form of their professor floated near the chalkboard, one hand raised to continue his notes.

Frowning, Sirius wondered how the old man had managed to get from 'Black' to 'Quack'. Still, it was an improvement over 'Mr. Brown', which was what Professor Binns had called him his entire first year.

"No, Professor, no question here," Sirius answered. Binns nodded and returned to his lecture as though he had never been interrupted. A few of the other seventh-years that had managed to stay awake smirked at him.

Irritated with himself now – Sirius never attempted to participate in class – he twisted his chair so that he was forced to face the window. _Quidditch, brooms, Quidditch, brooms... _He ruthlessly kept his thoughts on the delights waiting for him outside.

But it was no use. Now that he'd heard, really _heard_, Professor Binns' voice, he just couldn't pull his attention away from it. The ghostly professor's speech had a rhythmic quality about it that was at once soothing and intriguing. As Binns continued to recite the details of the many arguments between centaurs and wizards, Sirius found himself turning his head to watch the professor as he spoke.

Now that he looked, Professor Binns also had a graceful way of floating back and forth in front of his chalkboard, scribbling away. _Of course he's graceful, you pixie – he's a ghost! _But he quashed his inner voice and continued to stare, transfixed, at Binns. Why had he never realized how special this class was before? There was no longer any denying, for Sirius, that Binns' voice was confusingly attractive to him.

Deciding this unwelcome feeling was his conscience, he pulled a quill and parchment out of his bag and began to take notes in History of Magic for the first time since he was eleven. As he hurried to catch up to Binns' lecture, he thought that he could happily listen to the ghost talking all day long. His professor's voice was as warm as fresh bread, as comforting as a cherished sweater, as dear to him as-

_Stop it, Sirius! _he chided himself. What was _wrong _with him? He could not, repeat _could not_, be enjoying listening to Professor Binns. Thinking Professor Binns sounded like fresh bread. It didn't even make any sense!

Except then, it did. This must have been James' idea. Sirius would bet his favorite Muggle motorcycle poster that somehow, James and Peter had put Remus up to bewitching him. Remus wouldn't have done it on his own, and James and Peter didn't have the skill to slip one over on him. Yes, he was surely suffering from some nefarious charm or potion.

Feeling much better, he thrust his parchment away from him and laughed. He was so relieved that he wasn't _actually _feeling this way about Professor Binns, of all people-

"Yes, Mr. Bludger, you may laugh now, but the year that Snorkimus Hunklefeather charmed an entire centaur herd pink was no laughing matter," Professor Binns said.

Looking around, Sirius realized that 'Mr. Bludger' must mean him. He could hear a few of the others snickering and he felt his face heat with embarrassment. That was twice in one class that he'd been singled out by the professor, and why on earth was Binns' clipped tone so fascinating? He couldn't remember a time when they'd managed to irritate the old man...

"Gah!" Sirius exclaimed, horrified. That was the final straw, he needed whatever jinx his friends had placed on him removed. Standing, he addressed the startled ghost at the front of the classroom: "Professor, I need the Hospital Wing."

"Very well, Mr. Back," the ghost murmured before turning back to his chalkboard. Racing out of the classroom, Sirius reflected that it was nice to hear something _close _to his name on his professor's lips.

The urge to throw up was overwhelming.

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><p>Some time later, Sirius was sitting despondently on one of the beds in the Hospital Wing. The sun was falling now, and he knew his plans for the afternoon were done for. There was no way he'd be able to get in even an hour's worth of flying now. Madam Pomfrey had kept him for several hours, trying every known counter-spell in her book, before finally declaring that he was neither under the effects of a love potion nor acting against his will due to a charm.<p>

Of course, it had been difficult to explain his problem to her without revealing any of the details. The last thing he needed was for Madam Pomfrey to tell all the other teachers that he was pining after Professor Binns. Deciding to corner Peter and force the truth from him, Sirius was just standing up when the object of all his thoughts this afternoon entered the Hospital Wing.

Or, rather, drifted into the Hospital Wing. Sirius didn't suppose that Professor Binns really "entered" anything.

"Ah, Mr. Clack, good to see you are feeling much improved," the insubstantial professor said. Immediately, Sirius felt more at ease. As the professor continued to inquire about his health, Sirius felt a warm sort of buzzing begin to move through his body. Try as he might to resist it, Professor Binns' voice continued to draw Sirius closer.

Soon, he could take it no more. He was probably losing his mind, but it had to be said. "Professor, I think – I think I'm in love with you," he blurted out.

The little man stopped his chattering and looked at Sirius. "That's quite alright, Mr. Blinger," was all he said before he resumed his hypothesis on the usefulness of a particular charm-stopping potion.

Completely unable to pull himself away, Sirius sank back onto the bed and listened attentively to Professor Binns' one-sided discussion. He felt better than he had all day – no, all week – no, all his life! He never wanted Professor Binns to stop talking. Luckily, that was an unlikely event.

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><p>Soon, Sirius found a way to spend more time with Professor Binns – he signed on as a student aide and assisted the ghostly professor with menial tasks like cleaning the chalkboards after a lecture. None of his friends understood why he needed Remedial History of Magic lessons, but Sirius would rather die before admitting to them that he was desperately in love with his professor.<p>

As the year rolled on, Sirius began to suspect that Professor Binns may have developed feelings for him as well. Sirius always tried to be at his most charming during the hours they spent together, and Professor Binns had referred to him only as 'Mr. Bludger' for the last two weeks. Sirius took this as a sign that Binns had, at least, distinguished him enough to remember to call him by the same, albeit incorrect, name each time.

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><p>Shortly after returning from the winter hols, Sirius found himself with an hour completely devoid of any commitments. James was busy with Head Boy duties, while Remus and Peter were busy working on an Arithmancy assignment. It was too snowy out to even consider flying. After receiving a detention from McGonagall for pulling pranks in the common room, Sirius decided to take a stroll around the school. Not surprisingly, he was soon standing outside the door to Professor Binns' office.<p>

Hesitant to enter, Sirius wondered why his feet had brought him here. Hadn't he convinced himself, away from Binns over break, that this... _situation _was all a bunch of nonsense? One simply did not go around falling in love with one's ghost professor. Yes, he had determined it was nothing more than boredom, perhaps mixed with foolishness. So why was he standing here, now, unable to knock on the door or walk away?

He was standing there, inanely staring at the wooden panels of the door, when the voice of The Grey Lady startled him.

"He's been waiting for you, you know," she said simply, her translucent eyes boring into Sirius' own disbelieving pair.

"I – what?" Sirius cursed his inability to string words together – he was normally so poised and glib.

"Over the holidays. He kept asking when the students would be back. He seemed very distraught without his aide," she explained.

Turning this over in his mind, Sirius decided it was merely Binns' need for an assistant that had him questioning the return of the students, not something of a more personal nature.

"Why are you telling me this?" Sirius finally asked.

"You have a lovely smile," she answered as she started to drift off. She was gone through a wall before Sirius could work out what she meant by that.

Shaking his head at the habits of ghosts, Sirius decided to put an end to this ridiculous obsession, or whatever it was. Sirius flung the door open and stepped into Binns' office. Nothing had changed while he was away from school for the holidays – papers and texts were still stacked haphazardly all over the room. Sirius could just make out the pearly top of Binns' head behind a particular unsteady-looking tower of books.

"Er, Professor?" Sirius called out, not wanting to startle the ghost.

"Yes, yes, I'm coming, Sir Nic-oh, it's you," Binns said as he drifted through the books without disturbing them. "Welcome back, Mr. Blungbat."

Sirius sighed. It seemed that they would have to start over with the names. Unfortunately, Sirius recognized that it was pointless to try and dismiss his feelings for the old professor. Upon hearing that wispy tone, all his love came rushing back to the forefront of his thoughts. Maybe some things just couldn't be explained – like why Golden Snitches had silver wings, or why Dumbledore's favorite trick involved a pointy hat. Or why this small, see-through slip of a man could have such an effect on a person as vibrant as Sirius.

An uncontrollable smile broke out across Sirius' face. He had several months left in the company of this wise professor, and he was going to make the best of them. But first, he had to clear a path through this room again. Starting to shift piles of books around, Sirius listened contentedly while Professor Binns outlined his sixth-year lessons on the troubles facing poltergeists.

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><p>Unfortunately, there were not many opportunities for dating when one was in love with a ghost. Binns was tethered to the castle, and besides, the only attempts Sirius had made at touching him resulted in severe cases of frostbite, which he had refused to explain to a perplexed Poppy Pomfrey. Still, Sirius was nothing if not determined, and as graduation approached, he frantically sought a way to stay on at Hogwarts to be with his beloved professor.<p>

Binns, however, was less than helpful. Every time Sirius attempted to bring up the subject of his feelings, Binns responded with a "How lovely" or "Is that so?" before changing the topic to some historical magical event. Sirius was becoming more and more frustrated.

Finally, the night before graduation, Sirius decided to make one last effort to evoke a response from Binns. He located the ancient professor in his favorite corner of the library. Glancing around to ensure they were alone, Sirius approached Binns slowly. He cast about for the best way to present his suggestion to the professor, but subtlety was not in his nature.

"Professor – Cuthbert – you know that I have harbored feelings for you over this past year," Sirius stated baldly. Binns opened his mouth, no doubt to give his customary response, but Sirius rushed on. "And I'd like to know if you feel the same!"

This blunt statement temporarily silenced the ghost, and Sirius waited with baited breath for his answer. After several long minutes, Binns' head gave the slightest twitch, which might have been a nod. "That's quite alright, Mr. Black," was all the little man said before he swept through Sirius and out the door.

The chill that pervaded Sirius' body was instant and spine-tingling. Sirius rather thought it was Binns' way of both returning his sentiments, and saying goodbye. He knew a relationship between them was impossible; it just hurt that Binns clearly felt the same way. Still, Sirius smiled – his beloved Professor Binns had finally got his name right.

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><p><strong>AN: Well, if you've hung in there until the end, you deserve a medal! This was without a doubt the weirdest thing I've ever written, and possibly read. Still, it was fun, right? RIGHT? Haha. I'm not JK Rowling, which should be obvious, because I'm pretty sure she would never in a million years pair these two together. Written for the Completely Odd Challenge on HPFC. "The Bowtruckle of Destiny" title idea is from a post by Darklotus1211 on LJ's hpcaptioncomp community. I loved it when I saw it and was saving it for a great story to do it justice - but then this story came along, and it just begged for that title, so there we are.** **Thanks to WeasleySeeker for reserving her judgment and reading this at short notice!**


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